No. 26 December 25, 1997

L.I.V.E. DX

(Low Impact, Vegetarian, Environmentally Safe DX)

A DX’er’s Revenue Stream

Who am I to come up with a scheme to make you rich? Nonetheless, here I am with an idea so ripe it’s swelling and it glows in the dark. Why should your bank be alone in a quest for paths to riches? While Wells Fargo is collecting 19.9% on its credit card and paying 1% on interest checking, it is also out there telemarketing you to buy overpriced credit card protection and worthless accident insurance, not to mention magazine subscriptions and cheap rubber stamps. Now, the aggressive DX’er can use otherwise profitless energy toward greater wealth! (Wow! I ought’a have my own infomercial!)

It’s amazing to me that no one has realized that there is a potential audience of consumers listening intently in those DX pile-ups and all we say is "JU-LIET OS-CAR UNEE-FORM." We repeat our call signs endlessly to an audience of thousands.

Imagine the cacophony calling 5A2A. Instead of "DELTA X-RAY," I’m screaming, "DOLLAR DRIVING SCHOOL, SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE NERVOUS, ELDERLY AND HANDICAPPED; X-FILES IS WATCHING YOU." And I’m making a fast thirty bucks!

Want to know how you can climb on to this speeding money machine? Thought so. Here’s a form letter to send to your "clients:"

"Happy Paws

International Headquarters*

Greetings:

I am a world-class, federally-licensed radio operator with a call sign containing the letter ‘H.’ Each day, this letter is heard by thousands everywhere. I propose to transmit your slogan: ‘HAPPY PAWS, A WELL BEHAVED PET EQUALS A HAPPY OWNER,’ at least one-hundred times to an enormous international audience. The price for this service is only ______. Imagine, a mere _____ for international advertising! Your satisfaction guaranteed.

Cordially,"

Fill in the blanks yourself.

(*"Happy Paws" is used as an example only.)

Here are some phonetics to get you started. I’ve also suggested a few "Sustaining," non-profit, pro-bono ones. We all have to do our part, don’t we?

A = "Andy Gump, There Is a Difference."

B = "Bell Bail Bonds, Let Freedom Ring."

C = "Catera by Cadillac."

D = "Denver, The Mile-High City."

E = "Emu – The Other Other White Meat."

F = "Flash Delivery – From a Letter To a Truckload."

G = "G and G Engine: Cylinder Heads ‘R’ Us."

H = "Hollywood Toy and Costume. Easy Layaway Plan."

I = "In and Out Paint and Body Centers, Mention this ad for 10 Percent off."

J = "Jujubes: The Candy With Stick-to-it-iveness."

K = "Kitchenaid. No rinsing."

L = "Lindora, Recognized by National Obesity Experts."

M = "Marriage Minded. Meet Selective, Lovely Ladies." (or: "Mothers against Drunk Drivers.")

N = "Neptune Society: Simplicity, Dignity, Economy." (or: "No Nukes.")

O = "Orkin. Ask About our ‘Orkinguard’ Termite Guarantee."

P = "Prestige Overhead Door, 24 Hour Service Except Sundays."

Q = "Q-Tips – The Polite Way to Pick Your Nose."

R = "Recon-1. Over 2000 Different Knives."

S = "Sofa Direct, Comfort and Quality at Factory Direct Prices."

T = "Tile King, Prompt Service Since 1957."

U = "Underwear Depot. Our Elastic Doesn’t Stretch."

V = "Vacuum Center, a Division of Suction City. We Carry Bags."

W = "Wells Fargo, Anytime Anywhere Banking."

X = "Xerox – The Document Company."

Y = "Yummy Yogurt. A Pint A Day."

Z = "Zuccini Growers of America. Try our Wartless."

Can you imagine the DX Station saying: "Go ahead the station with the moneyback guarantee?" Have you ever felt stupid after having been sucked into a telemarketer’s spiel? Here’s your chance to join the other side. At last, you have a really good reason to become a DX-er – MONEY. This won’t work on closed bands or repeaters. It will work on Satellite, so get out that "el" rotor.

Now that the solar flux is inching up over 100, we need an incentive to get more DX on the air. How about a 10 percent commission? Consider full color ads on your QSL card.

Unfortunately, this scheme doesn’t work on CW, but we’ll think of something. Until then, this is "Weisberg Meats," 8, "Dortmunder Brewing Company," "X-Rated Lingerie of Pittsburgh," signing off.

(There’s a whole bunch of Trademarks and Servicemarks in this tome. Their ownership by their parent companies is acknowledged.)

Return to Loop Literature